Grace In Between

“I want to go deeper. You know how much I want to know more of You. Take me to that place. I will honor whatever that means. Even if it means taking the most important person in my life away from me, I will honor that.”

I prayed this five months ago, and honestly forgot about the prayer shortly after. I did not think of it again for many months. It did not even cross my mind once, until Jesus answered it. I don’t want to belittle the Creator of the universe into a God who needs my approval to do anything, but I do believe He knew I would eventually ask to go deeper, and graciously waited until then. When I prayed the above prayer so many months ago, I had two people in mind that He may take, if it would result in my growth and His glory. He did not take either one of them.

He took them both.

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There is one night I remember in particular where I was crying on the bathroom floor and I was having trouble breathing. I gasped the same thing over and over, “Please take it away! I change my mind. I take it back. I can’t go this deep. I can’t even feel You, all I feel is pain! Please take it away!” I felt like I had given God an inch and He had taken a mile. (Who was I to think God needed me to give Him anything? I’m still not sure.) He answered me, days later, through a friends reference to Job 38.

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me if you have such insight.
Who determined its dimensions?
Certainly, you know!
Who stretched a measuring line over it?
On what were its footings sunk?
Who laid its cornerstone when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?”

Job 38:4-7

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After a couple days of wonder over these words, I changed what I was praying for. I prayed that I would not need anything else but Jesus. I prayed that I would see He is enough- more than enough. I prayed He would free me from the paralyzing belief that I couldn’t live without things other than Him. I prayed for joy. I prayed for courage to move forward. I prayed to be excited about this suffering which was making me more like Jesus.

This was the second prayer He answered.

I believe we have an indescribably loving Father who aches when we ache and never wants us to walk in fear, or doubt, or pain, or despair. I believe He wants to protect us and care for us above many things. But I clearly see now, there is one thing above even that; He wants us to to be holy. He wants us to know Him. To need Him. To trust Him. To submit to Him.

If I did not hurt as badly as I did, I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to do any of those.

I would hope this is a given, but I am still learning. There are still days every now and then when my faith waivers and my confidence in what I know Jesus is doing is not as sure. There are still moments when I remember what I’ve lost and it takes my breath away – even if my pride keeps me from admitting it. But as days go on, there are many more moments of losing my breath when I see what I have gained.

Momentary affliction, everlasting reward, and a gracious Father who patiently waits for me to realize what an incredible trade-off that is.

What an utterly overwhelming gift.