Grace In Between

Dear Weary Heart,

You’re sleep deprived. You’re sick of coffee. You stayed up all night going through your stupid flash cards, and you still didn’t make an A. You got everyone and their brother to edit your paper, and your teacher still didn’t like it. You have missed out on events, conversations, and friendships because you had to stay back and do homework.

And even after all these sacrifices… you’re still not acing it all.

I get it. Because when I did every chemistry practice problem I could find, got tutored three times, and still failed the test, I pretty much convinced myself that life was over.

‘Cool. If I can’t pass chemistry, I won’t make it to medical school. And then what am I supposed to tell all the people who believed in me? They’ll be so disappointed. That was my calling. I thought that was my calling.’

At first I vented to my parents and my friends about my frustrations, but then I avoided talking about it all together. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Like I wasn’t smart enough. It made me feel weak, that a college course would stand in the way of God’s undeniably huge calling on my life to work with cancer.

I brushed it off. I made a plan. I would not hang out with my friends much anymore. I would work 10x harder. I would get more tutoring, and from someone new. I would teach myself all of the lessons over again. I wouldn’t sleep.

And I failed the second test.

I got more and more anxious about the class, about the teacher, about everything. I was making good grades in my other classes effortlessly, but I wasn’t proud of those. They didn’t matter. I was failing the one that determined my future. My worth. My purpose.

Or so I thought. Until I finally sat down to spend time with the Father. I had not done it in weeks, because I had not cared about anything except Chemistry. And while He does desire for us to work hard at everything we do, including school, He gently reminded me of these 3 things.

1. This has never been – will never be – about your ability. It is about My ability in you. Do not fight to prove that you are able, my love. You simply are not. This is where your need for Me comes in.
2. I have the final word on how worthy you are. Not you, not the people around you, not your GPA. You are worth what I say you are worth. And that is everything. 
3. My purpose for you is to walk in light, to speak in love, and to carry My Name. My purpose and highest calling for you is to fight for the gospel.

And that will never have anything to do with numbers on a transcript.

While I do deem getting a degree and a pass into the real world very important (have to add that for mom and dad), I have to remember something that matters more. I’ve already gotten a pass into the greatest thing my soul could ever dream of – at no cost to me, and the highest price to Him.