The most gracious and gentle question I have been asked in the past 6 months – during the long goodbye and now in my current grief – has been this, “What do you need?” I think the people that have asked this have been expecting practical answers. A hug. A knock-knock joke. A coffee date. But so far, it’s been something no one can give me, and it’s been the same thing the whole time. If you would have asked me 6 months ago what I needed, I would have said ‘more time.’ And if you ask me what I need today, I’ll say ‘more time.’
One thing that has changed: what I need time for. 6 months ago, I would say that I needed more time to say what I wanted to say to my Cathy. More time to laugh with her. More time to take more pictures, and more videos, and let her leave more voicemails. More time to get her advice. I needed more time to figure out life without her – before I actually had to live it. I needed more time with her.
Now, I would say I need more time to adjust without her. I would ask for more time than the standard ‘couple of weeks’ allows me to grieve. I would ask that people understand that my grief is still here, it’s still as raw as the first day, and that it’s going to hurt for a very long time. I would ask for the kind of texts and calls that I got in the first week to still be coming in. I would say that I need people to continue asking “How is your grieving going?” Getting this question is so relieving because it acknowledges that my grief is a long process, not a small injury that’s healed after a couple days. If I had to guess, I’d say that people are afraid that questions like these will remind me of my loss. (Little do they know, everything reminds me.) I need more time for people to keep asking me questions like that.
Here is the problem: all of this ‘needing more time’ would be perfectly fine if I hadn’t already been shouting from the rooftops, “Jesus is all I need.”
I didn’t realize how much of an idol I had made out of ‘more time’ until I read this in Psalm 16:
“You, Lord, are all I have, and You give me all I need; my future is in Your hands. How wonderful are Your gifts to me; how good they are! […] I am always aware of the Lord’s presence; He is near, and nothing can shake me.”
Straight from the Book that I’m betting my life on. If it’s true – if Jesus is everything He says He is – then the only thing I need ‘more’ of has nothing to do with time.
It’s just Jesus. The One who knows my needs more than I do, and Who by simply existing, fills them all completely.
What have you subconsciously made an idol out of? More time? Someone’s approval? Friends? Good health? Comfort?
What is keeping you from believing that Jesus is more than enough?
Grace In Between 