Dear Moms,
I’d like to write an open and honest letter to you from the perspective of a young Christian man about the “Fifty Shades movement.” Regardless of if you’ve read the book, discussed it with your girlfriends at work, or posted statuses on social media expressing your excitement for the upcoming movie, chances are you have at least heard of the book, Fifty Shades of Grey. It is proving to be a best seller around the world, topping the charts in the UK and the United States, and as most of you may already know, has inspired a movie due to be released on Valentines Day.
While you have heard enough about the book (perhaps even read the book) to know the plot, content, etc., there are some reading this who may not know what it is all about, so please allow me to inform you (warning – it’s about to get rated R).
“Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic romance novel by British author E. L. James. It is the first installment in the Fifty Shades trilogy that traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM).” -Wikipedia
Notice that last part? Yea, how could you miss it? The fact is that at this very moment many women around the world are reading this book, indulging in the fantasy, and are waiting in gleeful anticipation for the upcoming movie. As unsettling as this is to me, what’s heartbreaking is that included in the populous of participants are women who are simultaneously claiming to be Christ followers. Therefore, this is where I would like to focus the attention of this article.
My fear is not that women are abandoning God’s book in favor of this other, but rather that they are pairing the two into their daily routine resulting in a very camouflaged form of syncretism. Diluted reverence on one hand and a flawed view of love on the other. Ladies, I am begging you, please consider what you are reading. Here are three reasons why I think you should not allow this book (and soon to be movie) into your life.
1. It is porn.
Sure, it would be easy to say something along the lines of, “That’s not the reason I read the book and I can’t help that it’s in there.” Or how about this one, “Well there is some sexual content, but I read it because it’s a love story.” No. No it’s not. Actually the book’s plot revolves around the secretive and sexual relationship between Mr. Grey and Anastasia hinging upon a ‘contract’ which restricts the relationship to remain purely sexual and not romantic. The book itself has even picked up the cultural nickname “mommy porn” due to its large demographic of married women over 30. You can’t even read an excerpt of the book without blushing and looking over your shoulder. There is nothing about this book that comes close to the design which God lays out in Scripture concerning sex, love, and marriage.
Now I could easily rattle off a plethora of Scriptures targeting this, but instead I want to pose a simple question: Can you honestly say that nothing in your conscience is telling you this is wrong? How can one who claims to follow Jesus and by default have the Spirit of God living inside of them feel no sense of guilt when God himself has designed and defined sex to be something entirely different? Something’s missing.
The danger of books like this is not simply that it is pornographic in content, but that it allows women to fantasize and insert themselves into this story. Before long, it’s not Anastasia who’s visiting Mr. Grey, it’s you. However, this fantasy is masked by the cultural acceptance of this book and others like it. No one really raises an eyebrow when women are talking about a ‘novel’. No one is really questioning a paperback book – especially men who for some reason seem to be uneducated and passive about this.
But it is dangerous. Extremely so. Content like this (even romance novels without porn) can lend itself to women feeling dissatisfied in their own marriages and begin to compare their husbands to these fictional protagonists whose standard is impossible to live up to which in turn destroys intimacy, trust, and love. Ladies, this is not God’s design!
2. Double Standard.
I have yet to meet a woman who delights in the fact that her husband is addicted to pornography. It devastates marriages. But for some reason there seems to be a double standard when it comes to romance novels. So let’s turn the tables. It’s bedtime. You and your husband are about to tuck in and you go through the nightly routine – brush your teeth, turn on the fan, maybe even pray together and then right as you roll over and close your eyes you hear paper rattling from the other side of the bed. You turn over to discover your husband meticulously inspecting a centerpiece in an erotic magazine. Enamored by the photo, he is oblivious to you, but is discovering some sense of satisfaction from a picture of a woman he will never meet and perhaps even imagining that it is not you lying next to him, but her. Can you honestly tell me you wouldn’t have a problem here? You wouldn’t feel belittled, or unloved, or unworthy, or unsexy? Yet somehow our culture has convinced us that if a woman does this – as long as it’s not photos, but words describing the same type of things, it’s fine.
But let’s take the scenario a little further. The next day you go into work only to discover the men are gathered by the water cooler. You overhear their discussion and as it turns out, they were all looking at the same magazine the night before. They delightedly share with each other how the photos made them feel and how excited they are because they heard about a movie which is being released soon! You turn your attention to you computer and start browsing social media and wouldn’t you know it? It seems like all the guys on the web are talking about the same thing – the racy magazine and the content within. Wouldn’t you, deep down, feel like the men had it wrong and that the view of love in culture had become skewed somehow? Sure you would. You want to feel loved. You want to feel like you can offer your husband whatever satisfaction he’s discovering in a cold, lifeless picture. You wouldn’t want to share those intimate emotions with a photoshopped naked girl!
Yet when the tables are turned and photos are transformed into print, it’s somehow permitted. Ladies this is simply wrong. It’s unwise. Please stop allowing culture to tell you what’s normal or permissible and look to the Word of God.
3. You are setting the example.
Regardless of if you have children, I would be willing to bet that you are a role model to someone. Consider the example you are setting. Would you leave this book out on the coffee table for all to see? Would you invite your friends or pastor to go see the movie with you? If you are intentionally keeping this somewhat secretive, doesn’t that reveal the very reason not to partake in the first place?
What you are communicating through your actions and endorsements is that this is ok – this is normal. You are telling little girls that it is ok to grow up and engage in relationships like this with other men or that it is ok to be married and still find emotional and sexual fulfillment through sources other than your husband. To young boys you are saying that it would be normal to engage and even expect sexual relationships described in the book from girls and if you are to one day get married then your wife will probably look to other sources to be completely satisfied.
However it is not just the surface issues that you are exemplifying. The deeper issues are spiritual immaturity and cultural persuasion. What you are really saying when you indulge in things like this without second thought is that there is no need for a filter. As long as enough people (namely culture) prescribe something to be normal and accepted, we should as well. You are training your kids to intake music, movies, books, substances, friends, etc without practicing wisdom or ever stopping to ask, “Is this really ok?” You are passively communicating that if we are interested in something that the masses are interested in, we should partake. However God teaches us something entirely different.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:2 NIV
There are many things in life that prove to be gray areas, but this is not one of them. This is black and white. A mature believer in Jesus does not ask, “What is wrong with this?” but rather “What is right about this?”
Through this filter, there is nothing about this book and soon to be movie that I can say is right. It does not glorify God, it is not loving to your spouse, and it does not leave a good example to follow. I am humbly asking that you would please practice spiritual discernment and wisdom before partaking.
Matt Densky
Director of Student Ministries
Mt. Horeb United Methodist Church
matt@mthorebumc.com
Grace In Between 